March, 2022 | Speak Out

– Post Provided By Write Off The Bat

Power dynamics act as an integral part of society and in some cases, the sole determinant of how situations end up playing out. There’s this persistent and pervasive thing that tells us that there are those who lead (rule) and there are those at the mercy of the folks who rule. Sometimes, this plays out well. After all, at their best, power dynamics can help to maintain societal order and reduce the threat of complete anarchy. At their worst, they can encourage toxicity, a lack of empathy, a desire to dominate others and construct a narrative that keeps some trapped and others free.

Sex is no exception.

And sometimes the story of sexual power dynamics changes in the context of queer men.

The golden question: “are you a top, bottom or vers?”

Whether looking for something for the night, the weekend or even a lifetime, this question is about as inescapable as the sunrise and sunset of each day. And it is at that moment, more often than not, that the beginnings of power dynamics that set the tone for the remainder of the interaction come into play.

Let’s examine each position:

Tops:

Quick story time. Stick with me.

A friend of mine was dealing with someone. My friend performed in the top role with this person acting as the bottom. One day, they got into a small, verbal skirmish and my friend ended up saying some things to this person that were out-of-pocket. I, looking and listening on from the passenger’s seat, questioned if it was a good idea to come so hard at the guy because it was a consistent hookup that I know he enjoyed.

Then, my friend broke it down to me:

He said, “there are but only so many tops so he can’t just keep burning bridges, trust me, he’ll be back regardless of this. He’s gonna need a top…”

I nearly fainted. At that moment I realized that our positions are truly a currency.

My friend, as someone in the top role, knew that he had something that people wanted – many people. And with that knowledge, he can navigate many of these interactions in ways that have him as coming out ahead of the game. If not this bottom, there would be plenty of others.

I’ve been in several spaces, listening as people complain about the sheer number of bottoms in an area, how “vers” really means bottom or how they are unable to find tops. And because of the underlying desires and attitudes fueling these complaints, tops are suddenly commodified. Finding one, a “good one” at that, can mean a lot for many of us. This simultaneously lowers the perceived “value” that a “bottom” now has due simply to commonness and ease of access or options from a top’s perspective.

“I have something you want, and I know you’ll deal with anything to get it.”

Bottoms:

There are clear impacts and manifestations of sexual power dynamics on the bottom end of things. The air seems to almost be brimming with comparison whenever there are talks about bottoming. There’s the question of who was ready and who was not. There’s the idea that someone can be too “out there” or used up. There’s the discussion of which person’s cakes take the cake. And of course, there is the curiosity about who can “take” what.

In these instances, without being aware, we ask ourselves: how do I distinguish myself from the rest?

That question feeds into the negative stereotype of the “loud, messy” bottom; a person who will do whatever it takes to destroy the competition.

Another story time.

I met someone at a party. We got into discussions about relationship maintenance as he had concerns about remaining with his boyfriend. First on the list of concerns he conveyed is the last thing I would’ve thought in that moment. Being a slender person, he worried about his size and proceeded to point out others in the room who had, for lack of better phrasing, “cake that was cakin’.” He felt inadequate in the face of these people. This same person also, in the same night, proceeded to throw the infamous “shade” at the very individuals he pointed out.

“In a room full of people just like me and who all want the same thing as me, how can I make myself stand out to obtain it?”

Vers:

Vers brings to mind an old Mariah Carey track called “Outside” which was about not seeming to fit in.

We won’t delve into Mariah.

However, vers individuals are met with a unique set of challenges as their exercise and experience of power dynamics in this case lies somewhere in the middle. First, as people who bottom, vers individuals inherit many of the problems facing bottoms. As a result, there is a need to “prove” that they in fact top. Pressure to show that they’re also capable of producing the sought-after commodity. Along those lines, when in certain spaces, they may downplay or altogether bury their bottoming and glorify their topping to maintain power and to not lose “credibility” among the bottoms who, inadvertently have become something of a commodity. Except, it’s not about the commodity’s value, but rather, the ease by which that commodity can be lost.

“I don’t want my top getting topped, or else” as I’ve heard a few individuals say.

On the other side, there’s also the idea that as someone who is vers, there should only be a certain caliber of man allowed to top you. Traveling along the idea of worth, individuals use words like “particular” or “specific” to describe who gets to top them (who is worthy?).

Even in circumstances of serious dating, I have seen some individuals deny or erase part of themselves and give up their power for the sake of fitting into the narrative of another.

“I like it all so why do I have to pick AND be judged for it?”

This piece is not to suggest that power dynamics at the social-sexual level is the baseline experience for any queer man. In fact, as has been discussed many times, these power dynamics run parallel to many of those seen in the cisgender, heterosexual community. There are plenty of healthy casual and serious interactions which should be celebrated. It’s not to place tops, bottoms or vers folks above or beneath one another. The purpose of this is for us to challenge ourselves by asking ourselves if we are perpetuating or playing into these very harmful power dynamics within the community. If you are topping, are you using it as a commodity for manipulation? If you are bottoming, are you going above and beyond in ways that prove detrimental to you and others? Vers, are you simply trying to fit in so you can fit somewhere, or, are you staying true to yourself?

If you would like blogging or other writing services for yourself or your organization, please visit www.writeoffthebat.com.

SpeakOut is a nonprofit community engagement organization representing more than 8,000 same-gender-loving (SGL) men and women of color. Since 2017, Speak Out has served as a safe space for creating meaningful connections across the LGBTQ+ community.

In 1979, The Soul Children sang about having love, and that broken feeling you get living a life devoid of it. They told the story of a young lady who fell in love with a married man. Though everyone told her something like this wouldn’t work out, the young woman held on to it because of, well, love. In her mind, what she wanted to hear from people were the words, “Love Makes It Right.” And maybe it does. After all, despite the circumstances, she was getting her deepest, most basic need of affection met and, at least something resembling, companionship and romance. But at what cost? Should one stay in a sub-commitment in the name of momentary happiness and the threat of not having it?

Many of us in the Black LGBTQ community have been faced with this challenge in some form.

Here’s the scenario:

You met someone. Perhaps it was an acquaintance toward whom an attraction grew. Or maybe, it was a good hookup that didn’t drop all communications with you from the moment the deed was done. Either way, this person has stuck around. Their presence transitions from mere convenience to something much deeper and more fulfilling. You find that, around them, you discover safety and intimacy, revealing the deeper parts of yourself and experiencing a higher degree of connection. On the other side, they hang around, learning, listening, expressing themselves and opening up to you as well. You learn more about them and are granted the opportunity to explore all that they are. Feelings grow and you start to wonder what lies beyond the now. You ask the question: could this person and I have a relationship? Because, I mean, this would seem to be the natural progression in such a circumstance.

There’s a problem:

The person with whom you’ve shared so much of yourself and who has given of themselves to you in return does not desire “something serious.” Instead, they would like something more nebulous and undefined; something that would provide the comforts and the benefits of a relationship sans the responsibility. As the adage goes: they want to “have their cake and eat it too.” Yet, they want to engage with you to at least some level deeper than simple friendship.

And now, you have found yourself in the dreaded Gray Zone, The World of Situationships.

The Gray Zone represents a wide array of in-between states. It’s not a relationship but it’s certainly more than friends. You’re not with this person. But in many ways, you are connected to one another and there is an ever-present emotional investment. You find yourself asking what you and that person “are,” expressing your desires for something more concrete only to be faced with avoidance, evasion or some long-winded explanation regarding the outdatedness and ridiculousness of society’s expectations placed on us upon exit from our mothers’ wombs.

Your Gray Zone-mate is not budging, nor should they, right? It is their prerogative to form and have the type of relationships and connections which work for them.

A crossroads now presents itself to you:

To navigate the Gray Zone and arrive at the best conclusion, you need to beg the question: is this something that I can be ok with and which works for me?

Here are some things to consider:

Overall Emotional Burden: Stick with me here as I am going to use one of our current global challenges as a metaphor. Currently, the COVID-19 pandemic continues to rage on but there has been a recent shift in focus. We have transitioned from concentrating on the number of cases to monitoring hospitalizations and deaths. Hospitalizations and deaths are what greatly contributes to what is known as disease burden; or the total effect an illness has on society. The less hospitalizations and deaths the better, and the less we should stress over COVID-19.

Our emotions work in much the same way.

Whether educational, familial, social, or occupational, different aspects and facets of our lives place a certain level of emotional burden on us. For some, this burden may be small. For others, the burden is large and, in some cases, practically overwhelming.

In the case of being in the Gray Zone, does living in this zone place an emotional burden on you that is intolerable given all the other things happening in your life? Even sans those things, is the burden so great that you are unable to function within the boundaries of what you would consider to be your normal state of self? As you weigh your options in connection to this type of circumstance, overall emotional burden is important.

What Do You Actually Want?: For the person on the other end, this has been made abundantly clear. But have you taken the time to truly take inventory of your own emotional needs and desires? Sure, you may want something more serious but perhaps the Gray Zone is a good alternative to get some needs and desires met as you move toward having a different solution to that end. And if it is, are you willing to accept the possibility of some trauma and pain along the way? What if you discover that you also enjoy the safety of this place? Something like this could be likened to an evening feast. During the day, in the throes of hunger, you decide to snack on a lil’ something. And you snack and snack. Then, the time comes for dinner and you’re full. On the flipside, your body has been satiated already, even if the food wasn’t five-star quality.

Snack in the moment or hold off until later? Is it possible to snack and make room later?

If someone does come along who wants a commitment and with whom you truly connect, how will this look as you attempt to tackle the feelings and connection built within the Gray Zone? Is this something that’s ok now or in any sense?

This is not to sway any individual toward or against living in the Gray Zone. In some cases, if answers to the above add up, one may be able to healthily live within the Gray Zone and garner all that is needed as they progress to their true desire, whatever that turns out to be.

Regardless of what it may look like, all of us seek connection as human beings. In some instances, this may be for a few hours, in others, it may be for years to come. We hunger for it. It enriches our lives by nourishing our souls and providing a haven. This shapes a sort of reciprocity that adds deep joy to living in this world. But we must also be sure to take care in how, when and with whom along with the conditions under which we seek to find these connections. In any case, Gray Zone, hookup, relationship or otherwise, the ways in which connections manifest in your life should always work for you.

If you would like blogging or other writing services for yourself or your organization, please visit www.writeoffthebat.com.

March 2022

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