Many of us have heard it before when it comes to navigating our interpersonal relationships: “your head is in the sand,” or on the flipside, “maybe you should give it another shot.” In either case, we are challenged to open ourselves up and make a concerted effort to see something of a bigger picture as it pertains to others. As people, we are not represented by one or even a few parts of ourselves. We are not represented by one or two actions or by not fitting into the mold created for us. Instead, we are the sum of very complex, interlinking facets, thoughts, and emotions. And seeing this totality of another and moving accordingly can be challenging. The challenge comes not just in the form of the effort and time taken to understand the collective person but also by the large amount of vulnerability it takes to do so. On the other end, there is an intimacy and a vulnerability that manifests as a person allows you to experience all of what makes them, them. Unfortunately, vulnerability is frightening as it is difficult for good reason.
There’s the possibility of pain.
For the Black LGBTQ community, vulnerability becomes even more frightening. Our own past or present personal traumas as well as the collective, shared trauma of living in a society that is slow to transition from its heteronormative state make this the case. Because of this, some of us opt for protection. We move carefully, keeping one foot out the door ready to run or throw someone away at the first sign of trouble. Conversely, we may hunker down and ignore the storm swirling outside.
People are either all good or all bad. There is no gray. And this bimodal thinking acts as the barrier to the vulnerability and intimacy it takes to truly connect with an individual, see them for all that they are and move accordingly based on this understanding. Yet, this same thinking is often utilized to protect ourselves from emotional harm.
Bimodal thinking, otherwise known as “Splitting,” is a defense mechanism that allows us to tackle emotions which cause discomfort or are otherwise difficult to handle in our relationships. Individuals are either all good or all bad with no in-between existing.
Though normally connected to Borderline Personality Disorder, splitting can be used by anyone across a wide variety of interpersonal relationships. This is so much so that it becomes something of a casual thing. Unconscious, almost. In fact, many of the common platforms that are used to help us connect with one another also help facilitate splitting and associated behaviors. Someone said something you didn’t like? Post something you didn’t agree with? No worries, with a few clicks, that person is erased. No discourse. No questions asked. Because if they posted or said something like that, they must be all bad, right? There’s nothing redeeming about them. Why open yourself up to dialogue or attempts at understanding?
I know of more than a few people with a lengthy blocked list on Jack’d.
The trouble with splitting is that the protection it provides comes at a cost. Sure, you may be able to avoid potential harm, but you are also missing out on getting to genuinely grow and connect with another person. Or, you may be remaining in a continually-harmful situation because you are married to the good and only the good in someone. In either scenario, splitting creates a great level of relational instability with people coming in and out of our lives to the backdrop of unfair and unrealistic expectations and perceptions. And the tole it takes on those people helps to perpetuate the same sort of trauma that fuels splitting in the first place.
While I can delve deeper into the way splitting can appear specifically in our friendships and dating lives or even in our own self-view, the picture is already clear. People should be looked at in a balanced, collective manner. And they should be treated accordingly.
I’ll leave it here:
Take a look at yourself and your own behaviors. Are you tossing individuals in the trashcan too quickly because of a few missteps? Are you completely ignoring the positive aspects of those individuals? Have you taken the time to have a true conversation with them?
Are you idealizing someone because it is too painful to lose them? Is the suffering and toxicity that they are inflicting being swept under the rug so that you can preserve your own emotions? Are you working toward addressing the problems you are having in the circumstance?
Where is the balance?
– Post Provided By Write Off The Bat
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SpeakOut is a nonprofit community engagement organization representing more than 8,000 same-gender-loving (SGL) men and women of color. Since 2017, Speak Out has served as a safe space for creating meaningful connections across the LGBTQ+ community.
