In 1979, The Soul Children sang about having love, and that broken feeling you get living a life devoid of it. They told the story of a young lady who fell in love with a married man. Though everyone told her something like this wouldn’t work out, the young woman held on to it because of, well, love. In her mind, what she wanted to hear from people were the words, “Love Makes It Right.” And maybe it does. After all, despite the circumstances, she was getting her deepest, most basic need of affection met and, at least something resembling, companionship and romance. But at what cost? Should one stay in a sub-commitment in the name of momentary happiness and the threat of not having it?
Many of us in the Black LGBTQ community have been faced with this challenge in some form.
Here’s the scenario:
You met someone. Perhaps it was an acquaintance toward whom an attraction grew. Or maybe, it was a good hookup that didn’t drop all communications with you from the moment the deed was done. Either way, this person has stuck around. Their presence transitions from mere convenience to something much deeper and more fulfilling. You find that, around them, you discover safety and intimacy, revealing the deeper parts of yourself and experiencing a higher degree of connection. On the other side, they hang around, learning, listening, expressing themselves and opening up to you as well. You learn more about them and are granted the opportunity to explore all that they are. Feelings grow and you start to wonder what lies beyond the now. You ask the question: could this person and I have a relationship? Because, I mean, this would seem to be the natural progression in such a circumstance.
There’s a problem:
The person with whom you’ve shared so much of yourself and who has given of themselves to you in return does not desire “something serious.” Instead, they would like something more nebulous and undefined; something that would provide the comforts and the benefits of a relationship sans the responsibility. As the adage goes: they want to “have their cake and eat it too.” Yet, they want to engage with you to at least some level deeper than simple friendship.
And now, you have found yourself in the dreaded Gray Zone, The World of Situationships.
The Gray Zone represents a wide array of in-between states. It’s not a relationship but it’s certainly more than friends. You’re not with this person. But in many ways, you are connected to one another and there is an ever-present emotional investment. You find yourself asking what you and that person “are,” expressing your desires for something more concrete only to be faced with avoidance, evasion or some long-winded explanation regarding the outdatedness and ridiculousness of society’s expectations placed on us upon exit from our mothers’ wombs.
Your Gray Zone-mate is not budging, nor should they, right? It is their prerogative to form and have the type of relationships and connections which work for them.
A crossroads now presents itself to you:
To navigate the Gray Zone and arrive at the best conclusion, you need to beg the question: is this something that I can be ok with and which works for me?
Here are some things to consider:
Overall Emotional Burden: Stick with me here as I am going to use one of our current global challenges as a metaphor. Currently, the COVID-19 pandemic continues to rage on but there has been a recent shift in focus. We have transitioned from concentrating on the number of cases to monitoring hospitalizations and deaths. Hospitalizations and deaths are what greatly contributes to what is known as disease burden; or the total effect an illness has on society. The less hospitalizations and deaths the better, and the less we should stress over COVID-19.
Our emotions work in much the same way.
Whether educational, familial, social, or occupational, different aspects and facets of our lives place a certain level of emotional burden on us. For some, this burden may be small. For others, the burden is large and, in some cases, practically overwhelming.
In the case of being in the Gray Zone, does living in this zone place an emotional burden on you that is intolerable given all the other things happening in your life? Even sans those things, is the burden so great that you are unable to function within the boundaries of what you would consider to be your normal state of self? As you weigh your options in connection to this type of circumstance, overall emotional burden is important.
What Do You Actually Want?: For the person on the other end, this has been made abundantly clear. But have you taken the time to truly take inventory of your own emotional needs and desires? Sure, you may want something more serious but perhaps the Gray Zone is a good alternative to get some needs and desires met as you move toward having a different solution to that end. And if it is, are you willing to accept the possibility of some trauma and pain along the way? What if you discover that you also enjoy the safety of this place? Something like this could be likened to an evening feast. During the day, in the throes of hunger, you decide to snack on a lil’ something. And you snack and snack. Then, the time comes for dinner and you’re full. On the flipside, your body has been satiated already, even if the food wasn’t five-star quality.
Snack in the moment or hold off until later? Is it possible to snack and make room later?
If someone does come along who wants a commitment and with whom you truly connect, how will this look as you attempt to tackle the feelings and connection built within the Gray Zone? Is this something that’s ok now or in any sense?
This is not to sway any individual toward or against living in the Gray Zone. In some cases, if answers to the above add up, one may be able to healthily live within the Gray Zone and garner all that is needed as they progress to their true desire, whatever that turns out to be.
Regardless of what it may look like, all of us seek connection as human beings. In some instances, this may be for a few hours, in others, it may be for years to come. We hunger for it. It enriches our lives by nourishing our souls and providing a haven. This shapes a sort of reciprocity that adds deep joy to living in this world. But we must also be sure to take care in how, when and with whom along with the conditions under which we seek to find these connections. In any case, Gray Zone, hookup, relationship or otherwise, the ways in which connections manifest in your life should always work for you.
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