Like the sands of desert dunes, the standards and definitions of beauty are continually shifting. Unlike those sands, the perception of what is beautiful, regardless of the shifts it undergoes, will never stray too far from its established baseline. Eurocentrism.

Eurocentric beauty standards are part of the greater societal issues which revolve around attraction/attractiveness. In reflection, I’ve always said that the LGBTQ community is an amplified microcosm of the greater society. All the same issues arise except, they do so in often very grotesque fashion. One example of this is the toxic way in which we hold fast to heteronormative-cisgender standards.

That can be another blog post.

For the men of the community, these standards take on new and much deeper meanings.

            We’ve seen it on the apps. “No fats, no fems.” We’ve heard it during in-person discussions. “You let that short boy climb your back?” And we’ve likely watched a friend have to deal with scrub-like behavior from someone in the name of them being attractive. With rampant colorism, fatphobia and other sorts of prejudice worsened by social media, the harmful impacts on our community don’t come as a surprise. This spawns something that does not receive enough attention when discussing the challenges facing Black queer men:

Body dysmorphia.

This is something that is normally discussed with women at the center. Due to societal distortions of what constitutes manhood, and especially Black manhood, it is often swept under the rug.

            In this context, body dysmorphia is not meant to be understood in its classic sense. Normally, it is a mental disorder characterized by an unhealthy obsession with perceived physical imperfections. The fixation persists even if the flaw is small or does not exist at all. For many Black queer men, the dysmorphia takes on a much more subtle form. Instead of incessant examination of oneself or numerous cosmetic procedures, much of our speech and rhetoric contains veiled, physical judgements about ourselves and those around us. I’m sure some of us have used the phrase “I knew he wouldn’t be interested because I’m ____” and you inset some physical adjective. Rejection from a person or string of people ends up being internalized. And you begin to question everything about yourself from a physical standpoint. And I’m also certain we have said we didn’t want someone due to a physical difference.

Seems like the normal case. It’s all about preference, right? I can reject someone for something physical.

And this is true. But just stick with me.

            Often, these rejections, whether being given or received are partial. Sometimes, an individual may be outright and completely dismissed. In other instances, they may be relegated to a certain box within your mind. This individual is vers but only gets to bottom because of height. This person is dark-skinned, so they only get to top. Another person is tall, so they are fine for sex but not a relationship because of the height difference.

I discussed power dynamics in a previous post, and it has decided to pop up here with this topic.

Attractiveness and being able to “check all the boxes” translate into privilege and access. This can come in different forms and to varying degrees. It creates a circumstance where those who do not “check all the boxes” are relegated to battling against forces which would tell them they are not enough as they are. And these same forces end up driving the body dysmorphic thoughts and rhetoric in our community. This creates a craving for access and acceptance via perfection and we pick ourselves apart.

This is applicable to our platonic interpersonal relationships as well.

              We can ignite body dysmorphia in others in ways that are more passive and may not register in our minds. Who are you keeping company with and allowing access to your life? Do all your friends look the same or share many of the same physical traits? I ask these questions because I have seen it. There are some who carefully curate the individuals they allow to be involved in everything from the macro party to the micro Instagram photo. This takes us into even more dangerous territory. Because now physical traits are being used qualify who gets to be a friend and, more, who gets to belong.

Body positivity. It’s a movement that is already well-underway and it’s one that needs to continue. For Black queer men, there is increasing visibility for all body types. Though visibility alone is insufficient. These bodies types must be celebrated alongside each of their counterparts. Celebration in this sense means that there is acceptance regardless of physical appearance.

Look around and look within. Are you being overly-focused on your physical appearance, picking yourself apart? Are you being physically-exclusive when it comes to those in your social life? Is your rhetoric laced with colorist or fatphobic sentiments? Our community faces a myriad of challenges. Subtle and casual body dysmorphia should not be one.

Love the fragments of you. Each is beautiful.

– Post Provided By Write Off The Bat

If you would like blogging or other writing services for yourself or your organization, please visit www.writeoffthebat.com.

SpeakOut is a nonprofit community engagement organization representing more than 8,000 same-gender-loving (SGL) men and women of color. Since 2017, Speak Out has served as a safe space for creating meaningful connections across the LGBTQ+ community.

Many of us have heard it before when it comes to navigating our interpersonal relationships: “your head is in the sand,” or on the flipside, “maybe you should give it another shot.” In either case, we are challenged to open ourselves up and make a concerted effort to see something of a bigger picture as it pertains to others. As people, we are not represented by one or even a few parts of ourselves. We are not represented by one or two actions or by not fitting into the mold created for us. Instead, we are the sum of very complex, interlinking facets, thoughts, and emotions. And seeing this totality of another and moving accordingly can be challenging. The challenge comes not just in the form of the effort and time taken to understand the collective person but also by the large amount of vulnerability it takes to do so. On the other end, there is an intimacy and a vulnerability that manifests as a person allows you to experience all of what makes them, them. Unfortunately, vulnerability is frightening as it is difficult for good reason.

There’s the possibility of pain.

For the Black LGBTQ community, vulnerability becomes even more frightening. Our own past or present personal traumas as well as the collective, shared trauma of living in a society that is slow to transition from its heteronormative state make this the case. Because of this, some of us opt for protection. We move carefully, keeping one foot out the door ready to run or throw someone away at the first sign of trouble. Conversely, we may hunker down and ignore the storm swirling outside.

People are either all good or all bad. There is no gray. And this bimodal thinking acts as the barrier to the vulnerability and intimacy it takes to truly connect with an individual, see them for all that they are and move accordingly based on this understanding. Yet, this same thinking is often utilized to protect ourselves from emotional harm.

Bimodal thinking, otherwise known as “Splitting,” is a defense mechanism that allows us to tackle emotions which cause discomfort or are otherwise difficult to handle in our relationships. Individuals are either all good or all bad with no in-between existing.

            Though normally connected to Borderline Personality Disorder, splitting can be used by anyone across a wide variety of interpersonal relationships. This is so much so that it becomes something of a casual thing. Unconscious, almost. In fact, many of the common platforms that are used to help us connect with one another also help facilitate splitting and associated behaviors. Someone said something you didn’t like? Post something you didn’t agree with? No worries, with a few clicks, that person is erased. No discourse. No questions asked. Because if they posted or said something like that, they must be all bad, right? There’s nothing redeeming about them. Why open yourself up to dialogue or attempts at understanding?

I know of more than a few people with a lengthy blocked list on Jack’d.

            The trouble with splitting is that the protection it provides comes at a cost. Sure, you may be able to avoid potential harm, but you are also missing out on getting to genuinely grow and connect with another person. Or, you may be remaining in a continually-harmful situation because you are married to the good and only the good in someone. In either scenario, splitting creates a great level of relational instability with people coming in and out of our lives to the backdrop of unfair and unrealistic expectations and perceptions. And the tole it takes on those people helps to perpetuate the same sort of trauma that fuels splitting in the first place.

While I can delve deeper into the way splitting can appear specifically in our friendships and dating lives or even in our own self-view, the picture is already clear. People should be looked at in a balanced, collective manner. And they should be treated accordingly.

I’ll leave it here:

Take a look at yourself and your own behaviors. Are you tossing individuals in the trashcan too quickly because of a few missteps? Are you completely ignoring the positive aspects of those individuals? Have you taken the time to have a true conversation with them?

Are you idealizing someone because it is too painful to lose them? Is the suffering and toxicity that they are inflicting being swept under the rug so that you can preserve your own emotions? Are you working toward addressing the problems you are having in the circumstance?

Where is the balance?

– Post Provided By Write Off The Bat

If you would like blogging or other writing services for yourself or your organization, please visit www.writeoffthebat.com.

SpeakOut is a nonprofit community engagement organization representing more than 8,000 same-gender-loving (SGL) men and women of color. Since 2017, Speak Out has served as a safe space for creating meaningful connections across the LGBTQ+ community.

– Post Provided By Write Off The Bat

Power dynamics act as an integral part of society and in some cases, the sole determinant of how situations end up playing out. There’s this persistent and pervasive thing that tells us that there are those who lead (rule) and there are those at the mercy of the folks who rule. Sometimes, this plays out well. After all, at their best, power dynamics can help to maintain societal order and reduce the threat of complete anarchy. At their worst, they can encourage toxicity, a lack of empathy, a desire to dominate others and construct a narrative that keeps some trapped and others free.

Sex is no exception.  

And sometimes the story of sexual power dynamics changes in the context of queer men.

The golden question: “are you a top, bottom or vers?”

Whether looking for something for the night, the weekend or even a lifetime, this question is about as inescapable as the sunrise and sunset of each day. And it is at that moment, more often than not, that the beginnings of power dynamics that set the tone for the remainder of the interaction come into play.

Let’s examine each position:

Tops:

Quick story time. Stick with me.

            A friend of mine was dealing with someone. My friend performed in the top role with this person acting as the bottom. One day, they got into a small, verbal skirmish and my friend ended up saying some things to this person that were out-of-pocket. I, looking and listening on from the passenger’s seat, questioned if it was a good idea to come so hard at the guy because it was a consistent hookup that I know he enjoyed.

Then, my friend broke it down to me:

He said, “there are but only so many tops so he can’t just keep burning bridges, trust me, he’ll be back regardless of this. He’s gonna need a top…”

I nearly fainted. At that moment I realized that our positions are truly a currency.

            My friend, as someone in the top role, knew that he had something that people wanted – many people. And with that knowledge, he can navigate many of these interactions in ways that have him as coming out ahead of the game. If not this bottom, there would be plenty of others.

I’ve been in several spaces, listening as people complain about the sheer number of bottoms in an area, how “vers” really means bottom or how they are unable to find tops. And because of the underlying desires and attitudes fueling these complaints, tops are suddenly commodified. Finding one, a “good one” at that, can mean a lot for many of us. This simultaneously lowers the perceived “value” that a “bottom” now has due simply to commonness and ease of access or options from a top’s perspective.

“I have something you want, and I know you’ll deal with anything to get it.”

Bottoms:

            There are clear impacts and manifestations of sexual power dynamics on the bottom end of things. The air seems to almost be brimming with comparison whenever there are talks about bottoming. There’s the question of who was ready and who was not. There’s the idea that someone can be too “out there” or used up. There’s the discussion of which person’s cakes take the cake. And of course, there is the curiosity about who can “take” what.

In these instances, without being aware, we ask ourselves: how do I distinguish myself from the rest?

            That question feeds into the negative stereotype of the “loud, messy” bottom; a person who will do whatever it takes to destroy the competition.

Another story time.

            I met someone at a party. We got into discussions about relationship maintenance as he had concerns about remaining with his boyfriend. First on the list of concerns he conveyed is the last thing I would’ve thought in that moment. Being a slender person, he worried about his size and proceeded to point out others in the room who had, for lack of better phrasing, “cake that was cakin’.” He felt inadequate in the face of these people. This same person also, in the same night, proceeded to throw the infamous “shade” at the very individuals he pointed out.

“In a room full of people just like me and who all want the same thing as me, how can I make myself stand out to obtain it?”

Vers:

            Vers brings to mind an old Mariah Carey track called “Outside” which was about not seeming to fit in.

We won’t delve into Mariah.

However, vers individuals are met with a unique set of challenges as their exercise and experience of power dynamics in this case lies somewhere in the middle. First, as people who bottom, vers individuals inherit many of the problems facing bottoms. As a result, there is a need to “prove” that they in fact top. Pressure to show that they’re also capable of producing the sought-after commodity. Along those lines, when in certain spaces, they may downplay or altogether bury their bottoming and glorify their topping to maintain power and to not lose “credibility” among the bottoms who, inadvertently have become something of a commodity. Except, it’s not about the commodity’s value, but rather, the ease by which that commodity can be lost.

“I don’t want my top getting topped, or else” as I’ve heard a few individuals say.

On the other side, there’s also the idea that as someone who is vers, there should only be a certain caliber of man allowed to top you. Traveling along the idea of worth, individuals use words like “particular” or “specific” to describe who gets to top them (who is worthy?).

            Even in circumstances of serious dating, I have seen some individuals deny or erase part of themselves and give up their power for the sake of fitting into the narrative of another.

“I like it all so why do I have to pick AND be judged for it?”  

This piece is not to suggest that power dynamics at the social-sexual level is the baseline experience for any queer man. In fact, as has been discussed many times, these power dynamics run parallel to many of those seen in the cisgender, heterosexual community. There are plenty of healthy casual and serious interactions which should be celebrated. It’s not to place tops, bottoms or vers folks above or beneath one another. The purpose of this is for us to challenge ourselves by asking ourselves if we are perpetuating or playing into these very harmful power dynamics within the community. If you are topping, are you using it as a commodity for manipulation? If you are bottoming, are you going above and beyond in ways that prove detrimental to you and others? Vers, are you simply trying to fit in so you can fit somewhere, or, are you staying true to yourself?  

If you would like blogging or other writing services for yourself or your organization, please visit www.writeoffthebat.com.

SpeakOut is a nonprofit community engagement organization representing more than 8,000 same-gender-loving (SGL) men and women of color. Since 2017, Speak Out has served as a safe space for creating meaningful connections across the LGBTQ+ community.