– Post Provided By Write Off The Bat
Power dynamics act as an integral part of society and in some cases, the sole determinant of how situations end up playing out. There’s this persistent and pervasive thing that tells us that there are those who lead (rule) and there are those at the mercy of the folks who rule. Sometimes, this plays out well. After all, at their best, power dynamics can help to maintain societal order and reduce the threat of complete anarchy. At their worst, they can encourage toxicity, a lack of empathy, a desire to dominate others and construct a narrative that keeps some trapped and others free.
Sex is no exception.
And sometimes the story of sexual power dynamics changes in the context of queer men.
The golden question: “are you a top, bottom or vers?”
Whether looking for something for the night, the weekend or even a lifetime, this question is about as inescapable as the sunrise and sunset of each day. And it is at that moment, more often than not, that the beginnings of power dynamics that set the tone for the remainder of the interaction come into play.
Let’s examine each position:
Tops:
Quick story time. Stick with me.
A friend of mine was dealing with someone. My friend performed in the top role with this person acting as the bottom. One day, they got into a small, verbal skirmish and my friend ended up saying some things to this person that were out-of-pocket. I, looking and listening on from the passenger’s seat, questioned if it was a good idea to come so hard at the guy because it was a consistent hookup that I know he enjoyed.
Then, my friend broke it down to me:
He said, “there are but only so many tops so he can’t just keep burning bridges, trust me, he’ll be back regardless of this. He’s gonna need a top…”
I nearly fainted. At that moment I realized that our positions are truly a currency.
My friend, as someone in the top role, knew that he had something that people wanted – many people. And with that knowledge, he can navigate many of these interactions in ways that have him as coming out ahead of the game. If not this bottom, there would be plenty of others.
I’ve been in several spaces, listening as people complain about the sheer number of bottoms in an area, how “vers” really means bottom or how they are unable to find tops. And because of the underlying desires and attitudes fueling these complaints, tops are suddenly commodified. Finding one, a “good one” at that, can mean a lot for many of us. This simultaneously lowers the perceived “value” that a “bottom” now has due simply to commonness and ease of access or options from a top’s perspective.
“I have something you want, and I know you’ll deal with anything to get it.”
Bottoms:
There are clear impacts and manifestations of sexual power dynamics on the bottom end of things. The air seems to almost be brimming with comparison whenever there are talks about bottoming. There’s the question of who was ready and who was not. There’s the idea that someone can be too “out there” or used up. There’s the discussion of which person’s cakes take the cake. And of course, there is the curiosity about who can “take” what.
In these instances, without being aware, we ask ourselves: how do I distinguish myself from the rest?
That question feeds into the negative stereotype of the “loud, messy” bottom; a person who will do whatever it takes to destroy the competition.
Another story time.
I met someone at a party. We got into discussions about relationship maintenance as he had concerns about remaining with his boyfriend. First on the list of concerns he conveyed is the last thing I would’ve thought in that moment. Being a slender person, he worried about his size and proceeded to point out others in the room who had, for lack of better phrasing, “cake that was cakin’.” He felt inadequate in the face of these people. This same person also, in the same night, proceeded to throw the infamous “shade” at the very individuals he pointed out.
“In a room full of people just like me and who all want the same thing as me, how can I make myself stand out to obtain it?”
Vers:
Vers brings to mind an old Mariah Carey track called “Outside” which was about not seeming to fit in.
We won’t delve into Mariah.
However, vers individuals are met with a unique set of challenges as their exercise and experience of power dynamics in this case lies somewhere in the middle. First, as people who bottom, vers individuals inherit many of the problems facing bottoms. As a result, there is a need to “prove” that they in fact top. Pressure to show that they’re also capable of producing the sought-after commodity. Along those lines, when in certain spaces, they may downplay or altogether bury their bottoming and glorify their topping to maintain power and to not lose “credibility” among the bottoms who, inadvertently have become something of a commodity. Except, it’s not about the commodity’s value, but rather, the ease by which that commodity can be lost.
“I don’t want my top getting topped, or else” as I’ve heard a few individuals say.
On the other side, there’s also the idea that as someone who is vers, there should only be a certain caliber of man allowed to top you. Traveling along the idea of worth, individuals use words like “particular” or “specific” to describe who gets to top them (who is worthy?).
Even in circumstances of serious dating, I have seen some individuals deny or erase part of themselves and give up their power for the sake of fitting into the narrative of another.
“I like it all so why do I have to pick AND be judged for it?”
This piece is not to suggest that power dynamics at the social-sexual level is the baseline experience for any queer man. In fact, as has been discussed many times, these power dynamics run parallel to many of those seen in the cisgender, heterosexual community. There are plenty of healthy casual and serious interactions which should be celebrated. It’s not to place tops, bottoms or vers folks above or beneath one another. The purpose of this is for us to challenge ourselves by asking ourselves if we are perpetuating or playing into these very harmful power dynamics within the community. If you are topping, are you using it as a commodity for manipulation? If you are bottoming, are you going above and beyond in ways that prove detrimental to you and others? Vers, are you simply trying to fit in so you can fit somewhere, or, are you staying true to yourself?
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SpeakOut is a nonprofit community engagement organization representing more than 8,000 same-gender-loving (SGL) men and women of color. Since 2017, Speak Out has served as a safe space for creating meaningful connections across the LGBTQ+ community.
