Like the sands of desert dunes, the standards and definitions of beauty are continually shifting. Unlike those sands, the perception of what is beautiful, regardless of the shifts it undergoes, will never stray too far from its established baseline. Eurocentrism.

Eurocentric beauty standards are part of the greater societal issues which revolve around attraction/attractiveness. In reflection, I’ve always said that the LGBTQ community is an amplified microcosm of the greater society. All the same issues arise except, they do so in often very grotesque fashion. One example of this is the toxic way in which we hold fast to heteronormative-cisgender standards.

That can be another blog post.

For the men of the community, these standards take on new and much deeper meanings.

            We’ve seen it on the apps. “No fats, no fems.” We’ve heard it during in-person discussions. “You let that short boy climb your back?” And we’ve likely watched a friend have to deal with scrub-like behavior from someone in the name of them being attractive. With rampant colorism, fatphobia and other sorts of prejudice worsened by social media, the harmful impacts on our community don’t come as a surprise. This spawns something that does not receive enough attention when discussing the challenges facing Black queer men:

Body dysmorphia.

This is something that is normally discussed with women at the center. Due to societal distortions of what constitutes manhood, and especially Black manhood, it is often swept under the rug.

            In this context, body dysmorphia is not meant to be understood in its classic sense. Normally, it is a mental disorder characterized by an unhealthy obsession with perceived physical imperfections. The fixation persists even if the flaw is small or does not exist at all. For many Black queer men, the dysmorphia takes on a much more subtle form. Instead of incessant examination of oneself or numerous cosmetic procedures, much of our speech and rhetoric contains veiled, physical judgements about ourselves and those around us. I’m sure some of us have used the phrase “I knew he wouldn’t be interested because I’m ____” and you inset some physical adjective. Rejection from a person or string of people ends up being internalized. And you begin to question everything about yourself from a physical standpoint. And I’m also certain we have said we didn’t want someone due to a physical difference.

Seems like the normal case. It’s all about preference, right? I can reject someone for something physical.

And this is true. But just stick with me.

            Often, these rejections, whether being given or received are partial. Sometimes, an individual may be outright and completely dismissed. In other instances, they may be relegated to a certain box within your mind. This individual is vers but only gets to bottom because of height. This person is dark-skinned, so they only get to top. Another person is tall, so they are fine for sex but not a relationship because of the height difference.

I discussed power dynamics in a previous post, and it has decided to pop up here with this topic.

Attractiveness and being able to “check all the boxes” translate into privilege and access. This can come in different forms and to varying degrees. It creates a circumstance where those who do not “check all the boxes” are relegated to battling against forces which would tell them they are not enough as they are. And these same forces end up driving the body dysmorphic thoughts and rhetoric in our community. This creates a craving for access and acceptance via perfection and we pick ourselves apart.

This is applicable to our platonic interpersonal relationships as well.

              We can ignite body dysmorphia in others in ways that are more passive and may not register in our minds. Who are you keeping company with and allowing access to your life? Do all your friends look the same or share many of the same physical traits? I ask these questions because I have seen it. There are some who carefully curate the individuals they allow to be involved in everything from the macro party to the micro Instagram photo. This takes us into even more dangerous territory. Because now physical traits are being used qualify who gets to be a friend and, more, who gets to belong.

Body positivity. It’s a movement that is already well-underway and it’s one that needs to continue. For Black queer men, there is increasing visibility for all body types. Though visibility alone is insufficient. These bodies types must be celebrated alongside each of their counterparts. Celebration in this sense means that there is acceptance regardless of physical appearance.

Look around and look within. Are you being overly-focused on your physical appearance, picking yourself apart? Are you being physically-exclusive when it comes to those in your social life? Is your rhetoric laced with colorist or fatphobic sentiments? Our community faces a myriad of challenges. Subtle and casual body dysmorphia should not be one.

Love the fragments of you. Each is beautiful.

– Post Provided By Write Off The Bat

If you would like blogging or other writing services for yourself or your organization, please visit www.writeoffthebat.com.

SpeakOut is a nonprofit community engagement organization representing more than 8,000 same-gender-loving (SGL) men and women of color. Since 2017, Speak Out has served as a safe space for creating meaningful connections across the LGBTQ+ community.

Many of us have heard it before when it comes to navigating our interpersonal relationships: “your head is in the sand,” or on the flipside, “maybe you should give it another shot.” In either case, we are challenged to open ourselves up and make a concerted effort to see something of a bigger picture as it pertains to others. As people, we are not represented by one or even a few parts of ourselves. We are not represented by one or two actions or by not fitting into the mold created for us. Instead, we are the sum of very complex, interlinking facets, thoughts, and emotions. And seeing this totality of another and moving accordingly can be challenging. The challenge comes not just in the form of the effort and time taken to understand the collective person but also by the large amount of vulnerability it takes to do so. On the other end, there is an intimacy and a vulnerability that manifests as a person allows you to experience all of what makes them, them. Unfortunately, vulnerability is frightening as it is difficult for good reason.

There’s the possibility of pain.

For the Black LGBTQ community, vulnerability becomes even more frightening. Our own past or present personal traumas as well as the collective, shared trauma of living in a society that is slow to transition from its heteronormative state make this the case. Because of this, some of us opt for protection. We move carefully, keeping one foot out the door ready to run or throw someone away at the first sign of trouble. Conversely, we may hunker down and ignore the storm swirling outside.

People are either all good or all bad. There is no gray. And this bimodal thinking acts as the barrier to the vulnerability and intimacy it takes to truly connect with an individual, see them for all that they are and move accordingly based on this understanding. Yet, this same thinking is often utilized to protect ourselves from emotional harm.

Bimodal thinking, otherwise known as “Splitting,” is a defense mechanism that allows us to tackle emotions which cause discomfort or are otherwise difficult to handle in our relationships. Individuals are either all good or all bad with no in-between existing.

            Though normally connected to Borderline Personality Disorder, splitting can be used by anyone across a wide variety of interpersonal relationships. This is so much so that it becomes something of a casual thing. Unconscious, almost. In fact, many of the common platforms that are used to help us connect with one another also help facilitate splitting and associated behaviors. Someone said something you didn’t like? Post something you didn’t agree with? No worries, with a few clicks, that person is erased. No discourse. No questions asked. Because if they posted or said something like that, they must be all bad, right? There’s nothing redeeming about them. Why open yourself up to dialogue or attempts at understanding?

I know of more than a few people with a lengthy blocked list on Jack’d.

            The trouble with splitting is that the protection it provides comes at a cost. Sure, you may be able to avoid potential harm, but you are also missing out on getting to genuinely grow and connect with another person. Or, you may be remaining in a continually-harmful situation because you are married to the good and only the good in someone. In either scenario, splitting creates a great level of relational instability with people coming in and out of our lives to the backdrop of unfair and unrealistic expectations and perceptions. And the tole it takes on those people helps to perpetuate the same sort of trauma that fuels splitting in the first place.

While I can delve deeper into the way splitting can appear specifically in our friendships and dating lives or even in our own self-view, the picture is already clear. People should be looked at in a balanced, collective manner. And they should be treated accordingly.

I’ll leave it here:

Take a look at yourself and your own behaviors. Are you tossing individuals in the trashcan too quickly because of a few missteps? Are you completely ignoring the positive aspects of those individuals? Have you taken the time to have a true conversation with them?

Are you idealizing someone because it is too painful to lose them? Is the suffering and toxicity that they are inflicting being swept under the rug so that you can preserve your own emotions? Are you working toward addressing the problems you are having in the circumstance?

Where is the balance?

– Post Provided By Write Off The Bat

If you would like blogging or other writing services for yourself or your organization, please visit www.writeoffthebat.com.

SpeakOut is a nonprofit community engagement organization representing more than 8,000 same-gender-loving (SGL) men and women of color. Since 2017, Speak Out has served as a safe space for creating meaningful connections across the LGBTQ+ community.