Like the sands of desert dunes, the standards and definitions of beauty are continually shifting. Unlike those sands, the perception of what is beautiful, regardless of the shifts it undergoes, will never stray too far from its established baseline. Eurocentrism.
Eurocentric beauty standards are part of the greater societal issues which revolve around attraction/attractiveness. In reflection, I’ve always said that the LGBTQ community is an amplified microcosm of the greater society. All the same issues arise except, they do so in often very grotesque fashion. One example of this is the toxic way in which we hold fast to heteronormative-cisgender standards.
That can be another blog post.
For the men of the community, these standards take on new and much deeper meanings.
We’ve seen it on the apps. “No fats, no fems.” We’ve heard it during in-person discussions. “You let that short boy climb your back?” And we’ve likely watched a friend have to deal with scrub-like behavior from someone in the name of them being attractive. With rampant colorism, fatphobia and other sorts of prejudice worsened by social media, the harmful impacts on our community don’t come as a surprise. This spawns something that does not receive enough attention when discussing the challenges facing Black queer men:
Body dysmorphia.
This is something that is normally discussed with women at the center. Due to societal distortions of what constitutes manhood, and especially Black manhood, it is often swept under the rug.
In this context, body dysmorphia is not meant to be understood in its classic sense. Normally, it is a mental disorder characterized by an unhealthy obsession with perceived physical imperfections. The fixation persists even if the flaw is small or does not exist at all. For many Black queer men, the dysmorphia takes on a much more subtle form. Instead of incessant examination of oneself or numerous cosmetic procedures, much of our speech and rhetoric contains veiled, physical judgements about ourselves and those around us. I’m sure some of us have used the phrase “I knew he wouldn’t be interested because I’m ____” and you inset some physical adjective. Rejection from a person or string of people ends up being internalized. And you begin to question everything about yourself from a physical standpoint. And I’m also certain we have said we didn’t want someone due to a physical difference.
Seems like the normal case. It’s all about preference, right? I can reject someone for something physical.
And this is true. But just stick with me.
Often, these rejections, whether being given or received are partial. Sometimes, an individual may be outright and completely dismissed. In other instances, they may be relegated to a certain box within your mind. This individual is vers but only gets to bottom because of height. This person is dark-skinned, so they only get to top. Another person is tall, so they are fine for sex but not a relationship because of the height difference.
I discussed power dynamics in a previous post, and it has decided to pop up here with this topic.
Attractiveness and being able to “check all the boxes” translate into privilege and access. This can come in different forms and to varying degrees. It creates a circumstance where those who do not “check all the boxes” are relegated to battling against forces which would tell them they are not enough as they are. And these same forces end up driving the body dysmorphic thoughts and rhetoric in our community. This creates a craving for access and acceptance via perfection and we pick ourselves apart.
This is applicable to our platonic interpersonal relationships as well.
We can ignite body dysmorphia in others in ways that are more passive and may not register in our minds. Who are you keeping company with and allowing access to your life? Do all your friends look the same or share many of the same physical traits? I ask these questions because I have seen it. There are some who carefully curate the individuals they allow to be involved in everything from the macro party to the micro Instagram photo. This takes us into even more dangerous territory. Because now physical traits are being used qualify who gets to be a friend and, more, who gets to belong.
Body positivity. It’s a movement that is already well-underway and it’s one that needs to continue. For Black queer men, there is increasing visibility for all body types. Though visibility alone is insufficient. These bodies types must be celebrated alongside each of their counterparts. Celebration in this sense means that there is acceptance regardless of physical appearance.
Look around and look within. Are you being overly-focused on your physical appearance, picking yourself apart? Are you being physically-exclusive when it comes to those in your social life? Is your rhetoric laced with colorist or fatphobic sentiments? Our community faces a myriad of challenges. Subtle and casual body dysmorphia should not be one.
Love the fragments of you. Each is beautiful.
– Post Provided By Write Off The Bat
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SpeakOut is a nonprofit community engagement organization representing more than 8,000 same-gender-loving (SGL) men and women of color. Since 2017, Speak Out has served as a safe space for creating meaningful connections across the LGBTQ+ community.
